Looking back over almost 36 months, I can truly see how far I have come in my personal development journey. In the thick of all the mess, anger, fear, happiness and tears I couldn’t see my progress, because when you are a dark place, light is not absent, merely obscured. I had a great deal of baggage including my paradigm; essentially my belief system was very rigid. I had lost myself along the journey of growing up, going through hardships and raising a tribe. The sad thing is that I had no idea. I thought I was fine, switched on and in touch with my feelings. Boy was I wrong. I’ve never questioned myself as much I did over these last few years. Questions like. ‘Why am I here?’, ‘What is my purpose in this lifetime?’, ‘What do I need to learn, before I leave this earth?’. These questions are always on my mind in every scenario. In every hardship, I ask, “What is this teaching me?”
Let’s go back to where it all began in 2017. I was at rock bottom. I felt depressed, inadequate and pretty much a failure! Looking back now I realise I had low self-esteem, almost no confidence, little self-worth and worst of all no SELF- LOVE! As I am writing this it still hits me hard. I was too afraid to admit it, let alone write it down but how did I get like that? Well, let’s take a look.
● My identity was lost. I spent many of my years doing what most mum's do, look after their kids and put themselves last. This lead to resentment… YES, I said it, I can clearly hear the gasps. I resented the fact that I never spoke up. It was me I resented. While at that time of my life I didn’t know I was resentful, I look back now and know that I was and take complete ownership of it. I acted the only way I knew from that level of awareness at that stage of my life.
● My perception and my beliefs were from my childhood. I watched my mum selflessly give up her life for my siblings, myself and my dad. This was inbuilt in my culture. It was the norm. I realised that as a child I was not responsible for my paradigm. I was, however, responsible as an adult to change it, so I did. I took responsibility and ownership, which was my first step to freedom.
● I never spoke my truth… This is huge people! Never and I mean never hold back. You owe it to yourself to speak up, otherwise, you hold it all inside and then find yourself in a situation where you never speak up even when you want to because you are afraid. “What will they think of me?” “I wasn’t brought up to speak up?” “Good girls don’t say those things” yes it’s called ‘Good Girl Syndrome’ and I had it.
How did all of this get me to no self-love?
Well, everything in your life stems from how much you love yourself and I mean everything. Robert Holden says, “Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.”
I saw myself as someone who simply didn’t love herself enough. Looking back now the signs were all there. I didn’t accept any help; I did things for others and never said NO even when I didn’t want to do things. I put myself last always and felt guilty when I was out enjoying myself. I felt bad when I was having fun… the list goes on and on. Because I didn’t love myself enough my cup was not full. Remember you cannot give what you don’t have; hence I was frustrated, angry and full of resentment. It’s taken over 3 years to get me where I am today and it brought out a lot of old baggage filled with emotion and heartache. I dug deep to love myself again, I went back to the child in me and I forgave myself. That was hard; I mean how do you forgive yourself? As a woman and a mum, it’s difficult. We are always the toughest on ourselves.
Self-love is a journey. It is a discovery of your true self. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and it is something you consistently work on every day. I am proud to say I love myself when I look in the mirror. I look at the woman who has come so far and who has overcome so much. The next time you look at yourself in the mirror, look into the eyes of your inner child and tell her/him how much you love them. Mirror work is strangely confronting, intimidating, a little embarrassing, but also profoundly healing. Start by doing this and be a little bit more selfish. Yes, putting yourself first every now and then is not wrong, it shows everyone around you that you do love yourself, and people especially little ones learn by watching. We are always growing, changing and developing. It’s who we are so don’t be afraid. I’ve come to realise that there’s only one person you're guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with and that’s YOU.